Fake Larry Ellison

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Will the real Fake Larry please stand up?
Updated: 3 weeks 2 days ago

What sort of twisted fuck does something like this?

Sun, 2007-10-07 14:05

Much love to dear reader John who sent in this snapshot of my defaced Wikipedia page (above). Look, people. I know some of you dislike my products. Maybe your Oracle database isn't working correctly. Maybe you don't understand our tech support personnel in Hong Kong or Nairobi or wherever. But that's not my fault. Oracle makes the best databases in the world and all of our tech support personnel take a rigorous course in speaking English. And anyway, nothing gives you a license to call me a Jew right in the subtitle of my Wikipedia page. It's antisemitism. It's hatred. So knock it off, will you? If you want to pick on somebody you should log onto Facebook and virtually knee your friends in the nuts.

"You're not going to believe this, but we're giving away servers now too."

Fri, 2007-10-05 13:15

Peter "you don't always have to be right" Burrows over at Business Week has hit another grand slam with his newest article about Jonathan Schwartz and Sun Microsystems. The best quote actually comes at the end of the article when Jim Zemlin at the Linux Foundation talks about Sun's recent moves: "It's like back in high school, when I'd throw these big parties and I'd think I was so cool, only no one would come." Which actually says a lot about both Jonathan and Jim when you think about it. Anyway, my question for Schwartz is this: How the fuck are you supposed to make money when you just give everything away? Peter Burrows seems to think that we're living in some new kind of economy where you don't really have to sell anything to make any money. In other words, if you keep throwing free software to the crowd and jumping and dancing around shiny servers long enough, good things are bound to happen. Um, yeah.

Pete, I want you to do something for me, bro. Just humor me, okay? Surf on over to Google and search for "google servers." Then take a good look at those pictures. See how Google is duck-taping hard drives onto motherboards? See how they're using velcro to strap the motherboards to the racks? Those are Google's servers, dude. Those are what power the world's biggest search engine. Google does that to save money and make components hot-swappable. I'm not sure, but it might have something to do with their stock price these days. So, yeah. Not sure where that leaves Sun, especially when you consider that hundreds of companies are now building servers Google-style.

Shit for Brains is splashing into SaaS

Fri, 2007-10-05 11:24

See here. Yes, I know this is old news. What makes it interesting now is that Microsoft is competing with a growing number of companies in this market, including SAP, Salesforce, and NetSuite. Don't laugh at the Microturds yet, though. When the tough get going, the going gets tough. I know SFB is just another butthead fighting over the SaaS table scraps, but Silverlight is actually pretty good. It's nothing to sneeze at anyway.

And I'll tell you this. The only thing worse than Google-envy is Salesforce.com-envy. Don't worry: Stevie B. will want Salesforce.com. When he starts making his little mating call and doing that thing with his tongue, we'll start dropping the hints that we're looking into buying Salesforce. It's our jack-the-price up strategy. We don't really want Salesforce, but we do want to fuck Microsoft. So we'll pretend to want them and plant a bunch of articles in the press and drop some outrageous figure like $10 billion. Then SFB will get all huffy and try to outbid us. It works every time. Just like it did with Red Hat and JBoss. And just like JBoss, Salesforce.com would drag Microsoft down. It would be a terrible buy for Microsoft. But that's Shit for Brains for you. I swear the dude's exactly like the teenage girls I see shopping at the mall. He's always buying a bunch of shit he doesn't really want or need.

Revenge of the Nerds coming to Xbox

Thu, 2007-10-04 14:07

Doesn't it seem like Microsoft takes a hit every time Red Hat releases their numbers? It sure seems that way to me. Red Hat announces record profits and Microsoft's stock goes down. Red Hat announces that they've gained market share and Microsoft fires a couple of their vice presidents. Don't ask me why it's like that. When you really look at the numbers you realize Microsoft has nothing to fear. But they're still afraid. It's like the elephant jumping out of its skin every time it sees the mouse. This last time Microsoft tried something new. Shit for Brains said, well, look. If we release Halo 3 on the same week Red Hat announces quarterly earnings, we'll probably be okay. And they were. In fact, Halo 3 actually did much better than they thought it would. Which is kind of surprising when you consider that the game sucks ass.

So the new plan is to release an Xbox game every time Red Hat announces quarterly earnings. That way, according to Shit for Brains, Microsoft can weather the storm. So SFB has directed Bungie to start working on a new game. This one is going to be a lot like the Revenge of the Nerds movie, except it's going to star younger Silicon Valley greats. Gates and Jobs are in there, of course. So am I. Larry made it in, people. Microsoft sent a couple developers down here to look at pictures of me when I was younger (above and to right) so they could get me just right. The evil frat boys are going to be the gentlemen from the SEC.

And you probably won't believe this, but Shit for Brains actually has hair in the game. I tripped out the first time I saw his character. I didn't even recognize the dude. Seriously. But here's the best part. I bribed the Microsoft guys to put in this cheat code that makes Shit for Brains go postal. Once they put it in the game, all you'll have to do is just punch in the code and Stevie B. will start throwing chairs and shit. Priceless.

These Alinghi guys are toast

Thu, 2007-10-04 12:49

I think Swiss drug lord Ernesto Bertarelli has finally figured out that he picked on the wrong dude. He’s used to fucking with poor people who sail toy boats in places like Dubai and Kennebunkport. He’s won so many times over the years that it probably never occurred to him that he shouldn’t challenge a guy like Larry Ellison. He thought I was just going to roll over when he proposed new rules that would completely destroy the America’s Cup. Um, yeah. Fat chance, crack head. We're going to shut you down. You can cry and kick and scream and shoot up all you want, but it's not going to make any difference. We've already won. You know how I know? Because articles like this one keep appearing and they're making you look real bad. Check out this one quote: "Making American billionaire Larry Ellison 'look like the good guy is hard to do,' yet Swiss billionaire Ernesto Bertarelli has accomplished that, said Gary Jobson." You can say that again, Gary. Listen, Ernie. If you raise the white flag and give up now I'll let you sail in the America's Cup in 2009. Seriously. This isn't a joke, dude. Because everybody knows that I don't just win. I make everybody else lose. It's a little philosophy of mine. Just saying. You can do you whatever you want, Ernie. Okay? I just wanted you to know before we go to court.